I had dinner with friends recently and, following cocktails and general merriment, the subject turned to work and those we credit with making us better.(Hindsight and the passing of time allowed for more forgiving versions!) Something was said that really made me laugh. “When I was an associate, the partners were arseholes. And actually, they made me a much better lawyer.” Everyone around the table started sharing stories about the partner, or manager who had, at some point in their career, made them question their life choices. They were demanding. Blunt. Occasionally brutal. Nobody was suggesting that their behaviour was acceptable. (Before the anger and need to unsubscribe kicks in). But almost everyone could identify that “arsehole” who, in hindsight, had taught them something important. They made them think harder. They spotted things they hadn't seen. They challenged work that wasn’t up to their standards. They forced them to prepare better.
And, with the benefit of many years passing, they didn't let them get away with being mediocre. Now, before anyone gets too excited, I am absolutely not suggesting that we should bring back the days of shouting across offices or delivering feedback designed to make someone feel small. Being an arsehole is not a leadership strategy. But I do wonder whether, somewhere along the way, we have become so worried about how we deliver feedback we have muddled the actual purpose of it. Or neglect to give it altogether. Good feedback isn't always comfortable. It can sting and it naturally makes us defensive. Nobody wants imperfections pointed out. What happens next is what matters. Do you dismiss it and move on with your day? Do you internally work out why they’re wrong? Do you go away, think about it and ask yourself if they’ve helped you?
To be the best versions of ourselves, we need time and feedback on the mistakes we will inevitably make. We weren’t born with these skills and we all get better as both ourselves and our experience grows. Be kind to yourself! The further we get into our careers, and the more feedback and help we receive, our ability to separate the delivery from the message is vital. Even when the message is badly packaged. Because as you become more senior, the feedback becomes less frequent, not more. People stop checking every piece of work. Partners don't always have time to explain every mistake. Clients certainly aren't going to give you a performance review before deciding whether to instruct you again.
At some point, you have to become very good at self-correction. The lesson isn't that tougher partners were better. We hadn’t had that many cocktails! I think the lesson is that professionals need to be good receivers of feedback. And those of us giving feedback need to be good at delivering it in a way that is challenging, without being destructive. We don't need more arseholes. But we probably do need more professionals who are prepared to hear something uncomfortable, think about it, and come back better. Because the most valuable feedback is the one that changed what you did next. You’re doing great! Michelle
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