Why do we choose to tie our self-worth into someone else’s bad day (or bad decisions)?I had the good fortune to see one of my clients in action this week and the main theme of his talk was how lawyers handle rejection. The kind that stops us sending the email, making the call, asking for the introduction or following up after a meeting. Within minutes it became clear that almost everyone in the room had experienced it. I could see subtle nods, body language shuffle, some looked down… If we were to explore some of the themes, I am sure most of the "rejections" wouldn’t actually be rejections at all. The Problem: We Make It Personal A client doesn't respond. A prospect chooses another firm. A partner declines an idea.
We immediately conclude: They don't like me. I'm not good enough. I've embarrassed myself.
The event lasts seconds. The story we tell ourselves can last months. For the client, it probably takes up no time at all. The Reality: A client chooses another lawyer because: They've worked with them for years. Budget changed. Internal politics intervened. Timing wasn't right. Someone made a decision above them.
Very rarely do they sit in a room discussing your worth as a human being. To the client it's a simple business decision and they move on. To some, it can become an identity crisis. Rejection hurts because humans are wired for belonging. Thousands of years ago (still tied into our DNA today) exclusion from the tribe could be dangerous. If you were rejected or different, you were cast out and you wouldn’t survive. Today our brains react to that unanswered email as though we've been expelled from the tribe. The emotional response is real. The threat isn't. The biggest problem isn't rejection. It's what fear of rejection stops us doing. Because professionals who fear rejection often: Ironically, the fear creates the very result they're trying to avoid. Perhaps the greatest mistake we make is allowing someone else's decision to become our identity. A client choosing another firm is a business decision. A colleague disagreeing with you is a business decision. An unanswered email is often just an unanswered email. Yet we can spend days turning those moments into evidence that we're not good enough. What if we stopped calling it rejection? What if we simply called it feedback, timing or a chance to move on to the next thing? Wouldn’t that be better?! You’re doing great! Michelle
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